I headed westward to San Diego this past weekend to traipse through strangers homes and quickly snap photos of all their modern modernism. Photographing interiors during events like this always turns into an awkward creepy shuffling experiment in social timing to avoid photographing random tour attendees, which I’m happy to do because I’m a fucking nice person. Nothing is worse than ending up in the background of some strangers photo looking all wild-eyed and barely passing as human.

Sorry strangers, that’s how I look for everywhere. I ruin your photo memories.

Of course taking photos in any sort of tour situation requires the ability to radiate powerful creep energy that gently shuffles people out of the cameras frame. Lucky for you guys, I’m creepy and made a few DHTSD12 photos happen. *I abbreviated Dwell Home Tours San Diego 2012 to save time because I respect you.

You’re welcome.

Hot Tip Time: To be modern at home you will need some wood, hot rolled steel, concrete poured or formed, drought tolerant stuff, decomposed granite, feather grass, fescue, plywood, pavers, succulents, cacti, a couple gabion walls, bathrooms that are off limits, no screens, ocean views, assorted rocks or pebbles, giant windows, vintage furniture and a shit ton of money. Coolio, now everyone get right on that.

I’m clearly jealous because my landscaping is made of dirt and sadness.

Some day? Something might happen to the exterior. Well, that’s if the local ‘pros’ would stop setting the fence on fire and being terrible at doing anything, ever. Also, it might help moral and motivation to keep improving the exterior and landscaping if certain dirtbags stopped stealing stuff off the porch.

YEAH. YOU. I know who you are.

Bring back my vintage bullet planter + cactus and Acapulco chairs you cowardly dicks. I hope that giant cactus tore up your stupid face you weirdos. Oh, and FYI, the cat hoarder neighbors gross cats peed all over that, so enjoy it you turds. It took me eight months to find those chairs and months of nurturing the crap out of that cactus.

I don’t nurture anything! I never even had a chance to post about the chairs! This is madness.

Looks like we’ve veered wildly off topic. Sorry.

Blah blah, the Dwell tours pumped me up to tackle outdoor projects, blah blah the next morning its discovered that some  scummy dickbags crept around the house and stole a few outdoor pieces we’d invested a good bit of time and funds into. This pretty much killed all project excitement and I freak out on instagram and at my neighbors. So now it feels silly to throw a bunch of energy and funds into landscaping a house in this crappy town that will ultimately have things snatched or trashed by idiots, get covered in feral cat pee or continue to host the nightly cat orgy.

You win, Hemet. Dirt bag is the new modern.

Just guessing that being full of rage might make me cloudy in terms of reasoned thoughts, but I’m stuck wondering at what point do we give up and quit? I mean, quit working on this general house fixing up project? Do folks just go screw this, it ain’t worth it and stop?

I’m no good at breaking up, even with a house. I miss my chairs.

…

Ugh. My cactus and chairs boo hoo, I’m such a tool. There’s Sandy and real problems that matter so I’m donating Red Cross style here so I feel like less of a tool. The real charity is for my feelings.

Oh! Also, a nod to the surprising number of unrelated people complaining about the lack of foul language around here – I made the effort. YOU’RE WELCOME.